i'm back.... anyone still there

actually i dun mind if most of my readers have left.. in a way it's a good thing cos it means only true friends would be reading this blog...

sigh... true friends... i lost one not too long ago... think my fren lost one too... my fren lost his friend through cancer... but for me, my true friend was lost the moment I said something stupid like "i love u"

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+sinatra/something+stupid_20056436.html

this song is quite apt... well at least the chorus anyway... we took the risk and tried to be more than just great friends... but oh well, I guess some gambles dun pay off.

I didn't lose a best friend the moment I broke up with her. I lost her the moment I decided to be her boyfriend. once i crossed the line to couplehood, there was never going to be any chance of me turning back to just friends. relationships are a one way street for me. there is no u-turn. Now that the journey has come to an end, there's nothing left about her that I can relate to... she's completely alien to me now.

so even if she joins my company, I am not her friend. I am just her colleague. period. if i do anything to help her it's only because it's good for the company and I'm nice enough to not participate in backstabbing or sabotaging other people's career.

some ppl may think it's cruel but i think it should in fact be admired. firstly, it means I was serious about the relationship. if it was just a fling, then I can always have multiple flings with her? why would i want to keep her out? if it was just some one night stand, then it's just about sex, there's no emtional investment.

secondly, it means I am able to function professionally even if she is my colleague. and she reaps the benefits of my professionalism. I've completely erased her as a friend, I don't hold any emotional baggage to stop myself from being professional.

sure there's a downside... i won't be close to her anymore.. but like i said, i lost a friend the moment i said "be with me". i knew what i was getting myself into. and nothing comes without a price.

i've moved on for some time now. i am happy to find myself able to have her inches away from me and only think about how to impress the client. i only hope she can do the same.